- March 2014
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- From the Editor’s Desk
- Bloom Where You Are Planted and Where You Are Transplanted
- The Change Game
- Ten Tender Weeks: The Countdown
- The Chap Who Lives in a Flat
- Conspiracy Theory
- The Closers
- He Knows
- Surprising Steps with a Friendly Wind
- If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It!
- Walking the Talk
- Message in a Bottle
- January 2013
By Allison Egley
Hello. Orville D. Hare here, of the “Tortoise and the Hare” fame. I want to set the record straight about this story. I know the moral of the story is “slow and steady wins the race,” but the other hidden meanings are that I am some lazy bum who has to take rests during a short race, and that I’m a cocky, arrogant fellow who thinks he’s better than anyone else. Well, let me tell you the real story.
Now I’ll admit, I was a little . . . confident in my running abilities, and I did tease that tortoise just a bit, but I’m not sure how this whole “race” idea started. Everyone claims I challenged him, but that’s just not true. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but a race? Between a tortoise and a hare? I mean . . . really. Whose (pardon the pun) harebrained idea was that? Certainly not mine. I may be one hair short of a wig, but I am not that stupid.
So, however this whole idea got started, there we were at the starting line. The pistol sounded and I took off. I ran for a bit before looking back. That poor tortoise hadn’t even crossed the starting line. I knew he was slow, but really? What’s in that shell of his anyway? Rocks? And I suppose he’s not the most aerodynamic thing in the world, but I certainly expected him to be a little faster than that.
I will be honest and say that my first break was indeed just a rest. I mean, I didn’t want to humiliate the poor guy, so I thought I’d take a bit of a rest. You know. Sit on the sidelines and . . . cheer him on. Yeah. That’s it. I was cheering him on.
Well, I must have been a wee bit tired from my preemptive first place victory celebration. You see, my best friend, Rabbit, couldn’t come to the race, so I decided to celebrate with him early. I had this thing in the bag, right? So I took a rest and fell asleep. When I woke up, Tortoise was ahead of me, so I decided I’d walk at a nice leisurely pace to catch up.
But then I remembered something. It was April 15th and I had forgotten to mail my taxes! So I ran home and then to the post office. Do you have any idea how lame it would sound to say “Sorry. I couldn’t mail my taxes. I was racing a tortoise”?
Well, apparently, the entire county is filled with procrastinators because that line was out the door. Again, I couldn’t ask to go to the front of the line because I was racing a tortoise. Who would believe that?
So, you see, I wasn’t just resting on my laurels. I was fulfilling my civic duty.
When I got back, Tortoise had gained quite a lot of distance. I started to run again, but caught up in about 13.7 seconds. That’s when I decided to put an end to the whole debacle and started running for the finish line.
Then I began to feel bad about trouncing him so soundly, so I decided I’d buy him an apology card. I ran to the card shop, but lo and behold, there were no appropriate cards for a hare racing a tortoise. Again, stupid idea. Why would anyone ever need a card like that? Eventually I chose a blank card. I’d write my own note.
Now, would you believe the animal running the register was a snail? Literally. By the time he finished, it was already dark. You see, again, I was not just taking a rest. I was being a gracious winner.
I ran back to the race just as that little rascal was about to cross the finish line. No problem. It took him five minutes to cross the starting line. Piece of cake.
But you know what he did next? He got a sudden burst of speed, that’s what. Must have been adrenaline or something. I mean, I almost thought he was my kid for a second. I ran as fast as I could, but he beat me.
By a hair.
That’s my side of the story. You can believe this whole “slow and steady wins the race” thing if you want, and you can think I’m some lazy bum who only wants to nap, but it’s not true. That’s just the story the media wants you to believe.
It’s a conspiracy, I tell you.